Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
