Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
