if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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