One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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