I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just invented taco cereal.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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