dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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