Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize