dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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