If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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