He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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