apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
BRING THE BAGELS
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
