Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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