the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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