i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
