hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
