I wish I could teleport
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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