So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
