I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
