She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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