Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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