My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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