WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
