I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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