1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i believe in u and ur pee
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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