Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
