I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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