Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
