i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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