I've blown a few things in my day
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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