i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
