he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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