i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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