Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
