You made me cry and you don't even care
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
