he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
porn star boner night. come get it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
