Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
