i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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