My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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