I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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