you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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