The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
