On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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