The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
