why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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