I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
