why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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