Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
