ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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