Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
