Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
