You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
