Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
