Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Randomize
