im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
