The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize