Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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