i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
