god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
