we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
