im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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