So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
