so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
