I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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