I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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