Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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