She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
